Oh no.

This week has been heartbreaking to say the least. I don't know what I'm doing wrong as a mother, but I need to figure it out. Faye was in the hospital for four days. Here is how it happened...

Miles had a runny nose and a cough. I really didn't think too much of it- he always has a runny nose. Faye got the same runny nose and cough three days later. Of course, with her being so young I was worried. It got worse and worse. It got to the point that the saline spray and booger sucker couldn't even get anything out. The really scary part was that she wasn't eating well. She would scream for food, but couldn't breathe through her nose to eat. I told myself it wasn't RSV and I really believed it. RSV only happens to a friend of a friend's kid.

Monday morning I decided that it was time to call the doctor. "I know it's dumb, but I just want her to tell me everything is okay to set my mind at ease," I told David. We had an appointment 30 minutes later.

"I don't like this. It looks like RSV to me. Has she had a fever?"
"No." Phew- must not be RSV. "Is a fever a symptom of RSV?"
"Not really. Also, she hasn't gained any weight since her last appointment three weeks ago."
"Awesome."

They took a booger sample to test for RSV and gave her a special breathing treatment to see if that would help. She told me to come back in the morning when they would have the results and we would go from there. I knew it really wasn't RSV. She just had a cold.

"She tested positive for RSV."
"Awesome."



We spent the rest of the morning and the afternoon in Hamot's ER. After some assessments and respiratory therapy the doctor had good news. "I think we are going to send you home with some medicine. Her chest sounds pretty clear and she doesn't look dehydrated so there really isn't much we can do here. Plus, you will probably be more comfortable at home." That good news lasted about five minutes. After the doctor left Faye started having these horrible coughing spells to the point that she would start choking. It was more than scary. The doctor came back in and as I was explaining the spells to her- Faye had another attack. "Oh, wow. She better stay the night so we can watch her."

The next day it seemed like she was doing a little better. They were giving her treatments every three hours and decided to try every six instead of three. If she could go six hours without a treatment we could go home. She couldn't. She sounded horrible and she still wasn't eating very well. We weighed her and she had lost weight. Something is wrong.



Then, on Thursday, she took a real turn for the worse. Not only was she sounding horrible, but she decided to stop eating all together. She went over tweleve hours without a drop of food- no boob, no bottle. My poor little baby. She seemed so hungry and was just screaming in pain. At this point I broke down.

Before this, I really thought that she was just sick and needed some help to get better, but now I knew that that wasn't the case. I honestly thought that she had just given up on life. I mean, for the past month or so- she hasn't been too keen on eating in general. I was more than worried that even when she recovered she would still be disinterested in eating. I mean- as of right now- she weighs the same as she did at her six week appointment. I wasn't going to let her give up. I had nightmares of her and I living at the hospital for the next two years with a feeding tube down her nose, but my real fear was something much worse- something that would destroy me and my family. Something I am not strong enough to deal with.

It wasn't long before the doctor decided that she needed an IV and some fluids. Luckily, David was with us at this point because I was in no place to be strong for my baby. I told David to go with her. Of course, I could hear her screaming all the way down the hall into our room. I followed the screaming and stayed in the hall until I thought they were done when the door opened. "I am going to need to call an IV team. I poked around and can't find anything." I wanted to punch someone in the face. Why didn't they have an IV team up here in the first place? She is three months old! Does she really need to be poked more than once?

The IV team came up and I decided to be in the room this time. It wasn't a good idea. I was hysterical. The lady kept asking me trivial questions like this would help me calm down. David had to answer for me. Faye wasn't any better. I just wanted someone to magically fix her. I felt like I should be able to just that as her mother, but I was failing. My baby was fading and without help soon she was going to die. Why couldn't I help her?

They had to poke her twice before they got the IV in. Not to mention the twenty minute heel prick episode that only filled one vial of blood out of three and that one vial clotted before we were done. Or the two other times that they tried taking blood from her arm and couldn't find anything. She now had at least one bandage on each limb.

The next day she was like a brand new person. She was my happy baby Faye again. She was smiling and laughing and eating and peeing. Seeing her like this was truly one of the happiest moments of my life. She did it! She was going to live. She was doing so well that the doctors gave us discharge orders. We are going home!



And we did. Faye is happy and healthy and we couldn't be more grateful for more than just her health. We have the most amazing family and friends who's prayers were the best medicine to help Faye recover. We are grateful for all of the calls/messages/help from everyone in Utah, Erie and beyond.

I think I am most grateful for my amazing mother who always seems to come to the rescue. I needed her and she came. She spent all week taking care of Miles while we were at the hospital and David was at school. And then she extended her trip to take care of me and Faye at home for a few more days. I love my mother and I don't know where I would be without her.

And for David. My world would collapse without him. He is a great husband, an amazing father, and my very best friend.



As you know, I am super protective of my kids- some might say too protective. I don't understand why these crazy near death experiences keep happening to them. As soon as I start feeling like I have everything under control- something horrible happens. Again. I feel like I have failed in my role as a mother.

I have decided that I am quarantining myself and my children until Faye is two. I can't go through this again. I'm just not strong enough.

As I said, thanks for your prayers and love. We need them.